Reasons Why Reunions Fail

1.  Keeping natural families a “secret” from adoptive families. Enough secrets have been kept. People are not “secrets”…they are people with feelings – it disrespects someone to keep them as a secret. Adoptive parents are well aware that you were adopted. It is not necessary to keep your natural family a secret from them.

2.  Pushing too hard/not allowing space and time

3.  Not having an understanding the Stages of Reunion so they can be identified and discussed throughout the process.

4.  Telling lies about the past.  There have been enough secrets and lies…more of them perpetuate the pain and can cause new hurts.

5.  Being insensitive.   Tread softly, go slow, go gently.

6.  Being selfish – wanting the outcome YOU want without considering the outcome the other party may desire.

7.  Not understanding the experiences of the other.  For example some adopted adults do not understand the coercion involved in most domestic adoptions, and in particular the experiences of mothers of the Baby Scoop Era.

8.  Lack of respect for current ongoing relationships and bonds on both sides.

9.  Not liking what you found out, or the person you found.

10. One of the parties backing off because of “information overload”.

11.  Conflicts between Adopted Parents and Natural Families.

12.  Parties are too traumatized to have a healthy reunion.