Reunion Issues

HOW REUNION CAN CHANGE YOU

The difficulties associated with reunion can be daunting, but the rewards are great. Not unlike the pangs of birth itself, the reunion produces joy.

Self esteem improves for mothers as they take their rightful place in society as mothers and shed the shameful apparel of the past. Their hearts become lighter as the grief lessens and the joy increases of having their son/daughter be part of their lives. They find peace of mind having the knowledge of what happened to their son/daughter and to be able to be in communication with their son/daughter. They may feel liberated from some of the chains of the past which have held them for so long and able to be more authentic in the world.

Adopted persons talk about “filling the hole in themselves” that they have lived with their entire lives. “Becoming whole”. Finding out that their mother did not abandon them, but loved them and grieved for them their entire lives gives them a sense of self esteem as they realize they were not “unwanted”, but very much loved and wanted. Adopted persons do not feel so “different” once they find their families…they feel a true sense of belonging…they have a history…which provides them with a future. A sense of relief, they can stop looking. Something they did not have before reunion.

Adoption Reunion is not a magical cure for life’s problems, but it does have many benefits. There may be disappointments and difficulties along the way, but most who wander into reunion territory are glad they did.

WHEN REUNIONS BREAK DOWN

When people enter reunion they each have their own set of coping skills, unhealed wounds, life circumstances and reunion expectations. All of these may influence whether the reunion can weather the Time Out stage or if it cannot. Sometimes one person goes beyond just pulling back – they leave entirely. This can be extremely painful to the other party and bring back feelings of rejection, shame, unworthiness, anger, loss and abandonment.

A reunion relationship may break down when the expectations of both parties are just too far apart, or when the trauma for an important extended family member is too intense. This may be temporary in some relationships or permanent in others.

This can be devastating to one or both parties in the reunion. Seek support from others who understand and support you and your situation.

GENETIC SEXUAL ATTRACTION (GSA)

On rare occasions reunions can come with a very disconcerting consequence. This is a phenomenon known as Genetic Sexual Attraction or GSA. This is a phenomena specifically unique to adoption reunion where a sexual attraction or even a sexual relationship may develop between biological relatives.

This attraction may occur between mother and son, father and daughter, but for the most part it occurs between natural siblings. It is a completely unintended situation which often “blindsides” and confuses reunion participants.

One of the explanations for this attraction is that is can be a natural one… those involved in the adoption reunion are mirrored in their family member. They see similar appearance, likes, dislikes, and can even smell and feel the other’s presence as a family member at the cellular level. These are all very comfortable and attractive qualities and feelings. There is a deep connection, but you are also complete strangers. GSA can be a normal response to a very unusual situation. Keep in mind GSA is rare and rarer still, do people act on it.

For reunited family members who experience it, GSA is often shrouded in secrecy, shame and fear.

If this has affected you or your family, seek a GSA support group in the Library/Resources Section of Origins website.