Just for Dads

Getting the News

You may have just found out that your girlfriend is pregnant and you may be freaking out as to what to do! Pregnancy is not exclusively a women’s issue…it is important for you to work through how you feel about it all. The fact that your partner is pregnant is not just a women’s issue. First of all, calm down…let’s make a plan….it is not the end of the world.

Men and women may adjust differently to this news, and this can create conflict between you…deciding how to handle the pregnancy may be causing conflict as well.

Many guys experiencing an unplanned pregnancy can feel very isolated from the decision making process – they may think all the decisions go to the woman and this can feel frustrating. Perhaps your partner wants to make a decision she feels is right for her, but you feel is not right for you. If you partner chooses to go through with the pregnancy and parent the child and you want her to have an abortion, you will have responsibilities towards your child. Equally, if your partner has an abortion and you want to be a father to your baby, you can feel a great sense of grief and loss.

It is important to discuss things calmly and respect the opinion of each other.

It can be very difficult for guys to discuss and unplanned pregnancy. You might be concerned that you will influence your partner in only one way, but at the same time, you want to discuss things and support your partner.

Some guys are relieved to think that they do not have to make the final decision and may say to their partner “I’ll support you no matter what you decide”. This may seem like a good thing to say, but it can also appear that you are leaving everything up to her and putting the entire burden of responsibility upon her alone.

The only guide is to be led by your partner and ask her what she wants. She may change her mind from day to day at the beginning as she learns about each choice and the consequences of each. Tell your partner what you would like and what you are thinking and how you can support her.

If you do decide together to take the pregnancy to term , there are many things about Adoption that Origins wants you to know…please look at other areas of this site to learn what happens and why adoption is NOT the answer to your present problem, even though you may be young right now.

You may have been told that your son or daughter needs a better father than you….THIS IS NOT TRUE.

Your son or daughter needs YOU. Put yourself in the position of your child…wouldn’t you choose your own father to be your parental role model?

Protect your child and Protect your fatherhood. Do a web search for Putative Fathers Registry information. Find out your rights as a father before it is too late. Think it through.

You will have an impact on your child’s life – make it a positive impact. Nurture and support your child and his or her mother as much as you can for a positive outcome in your child’s life. When your child’s mother is under stress, so is your child.

There is probably a lot going through your mind right now such as:

How am I going to tell my parents – Read Telling your Parents

What are our choices – Abortion or Parenting…Find out why Adoption is NOT an option

I don’t want to get married – Marriage is not necessary for parenting

We don’t even get along – Co- parenting does need you to work out your differences for your child

I don’t even know her that well – You knew her well enough to get her pregnant…so you will have to take it from there….

I am not sure I would be a good parent – All new parents are frightened at first – it is natural – you can do it!

How would I support a child- There are many resources available to help you and your partner

What about school – You can still finish school and realize your potential

I wish I had more control over this matter – It is difficult to be a guy in this situation…it seems all the control is in the woman’s power – but you have a say – and you can have control too. Get involved.

I don’t want her to make a decision without me – talk things over and get involved.

It’s her problem – It took two, and it will take two – you are a part of this – it is not all her problem. You must accept your responsibility .

She won’t listen to me – she may listen to you now that you are the father of her child. Try to talk things over calmly.

I am going to be tied to her forever now – Perhaps that is true, but it will not destroy your life unless you let it.

What about my plans – You can still realize your dreams

This is too big for me to handle – get some help from a counsellor, parents, or teacher, or online resources.

Young Dads

Young dads can be great fathers. You are young, fun, and have lots of energy (sometimes). This is a great time to get involved in your child’s life. You can support your baby’s mother emotionally throughout the pregnancy, perhaps attend prenatal classes or Dr. appointments if she would like you to be there. There are a lot of ways you can be part of this baby’s life.

Once your baby is born, there are many different ways to be a father to your child. No one way is better than the others. They all contribute to the development and well-being of your child. Like most things in life, it is normal to be nervous at first, but it gets easier with practice. Take this quiz to examine the different ways you can be a dad to your child.

What Type of Dad Will You Be?
Check which applies to you…then read underneath about what type of father a child needs. (Adapted from Involved Fathers.) This will probably give you ‘food for thought’ about some things you may never have considered were important in the life of a child. Your relationship with your own father may influence how you see yourself as a Dad.

I can…
Provide food for my child
Provide clothing for my child
Provide shelter for my child
Contribute financially

Provider Father - This used to be the traditional role of the father. Nowadays, many mothers as well as fathers provide financially for their children. Working at any job helps contribute to the family’s economic well-being.

I can…
Be around my child often
Play with my child
Demonstrate values in my culture to my baby
Expose my child to my religion
Allow my child the opportunity to interact with others
Help my child see others interacting around them

Interactive Father – Kids learn communication skills, social rules and values by interacting with their parents and by watching their parents interact with others. They need to be played with, talked to and made a part of our world.

I can…
Hold my child
Comfort my child when he/she is crying
Change diapers and give baths
Help feed my child

Nurturing Father – Babies need to be held, stroked and touched in order to develop normally. You are helping them feel good on the inside and develop normally when you do all the things listed above.

I can…
Hug my child
Smile and make faces with my child
Kiss my child
Reassure my child when he/she is upset

Affectionate Father – You are your child’s first relationship, it is important to fill this relationship with love and warmth. Warmth is also expressed in the way in which you talk to your children and play with them.

I can…
Provide a safe home
Help supervise my child
Get my child to the appropriate medical care when needed
Foster my child’s interest in the world

Responsible Father - You are your child’s first teachers. Protecting and teaching shows guidance on what to do and what not to do.

I can…
Think of my child when I am away from him/her
Talk about my child with friends and family
Show commitment through my words
Show I will always be available to my child through different gestures.

Committed Father – Kids need to know that they belong and are important to you. No matter what you may be doing, you are always aware you are a father.

Source: Leeds, Granville and Lanark District Health Unit

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