When
I talk about adoption, I tell people that adoption has left
me permanently scarred. Most of them look at me like I’m
crazy, a few will ask me what I mean. Even after I explain
it to them, they still don’t fully understand. The
only people who truly understand are those who also carry
this ugly scar.
I was
never told that surrendering my son for adoption would leave
me with a permanent scar. Imagine a scar that rips through
to your soul. A scar that is a constant reminder of the
one thing I don’t have. A scar that is so painful,
I can’t possibly forget it’s there; not even for
a brief moment. A scar that will forever be ugly and painful.
A scar that burns every time I hear of another mother losing
her child to adoption. A scar that stings every time I am
reminded that I do not have my son. I was told how wonderful
I was. I was told that I was giving the most selfless “gift”.
I was told that it would be painful, but I would be happy
with my decision and I would “move on” with my
life. Everything that they told me were lies.
For
the first few years after the loss of my son, I kept telling
myself that the pain would start to fade. It had to fade.
There was no way that someone would knowingly let another
person live their whole life with this much pain and sadness.
Hopefully soon the gaping hole left in my heart would start
to heal. Then my son’s adoption closed with no warning
or explanation and right then it dawned on me that I will
forever carry the scar.
The
horror of being scarred by adoption is that most people
can’t see it. Those that catch a fleeting glimpse either
quickly look away or they pretend that they didn‘t
see it. They can’t begin to fathom what it is like
to have your child ripped from your arms, yet they tell
you that the pain you are feeling cannot be real. Before
adoption you are a whole being, you’re exalted by the
adoption industry, caressed and made to feel like a wonderful
person. After adoption you’re a shell of your former
self, left crumpled and empty. You have been used and tossed
aside and the only proof you have is a scar that no one
else can see.
Copyright
© Jennifer Doane 2004
